orendalogs | IT'S YOUR DESTINY!!!

Finally noticing where Ren was gave Aoba a bit of a start, meeting the Allmate’s dark gaze. He looked as content as he ever did, though. His tongue was sticking out and everything. Suddenly it reminded Aoba of any time he walked out onto his veranda and Koujaku would already be there, with Ren cuddled up in his arms.

To Aoba it said that despite the things that were going wrong or that Ren didn’t approve of, Declan himself was not one of them. Ren would not have allowed the Guardian to hold him so, otherwise.

“Ah.” He refocused on Declan as the other spoke, a little late to his chuff of laughter but still meaning it genuinely. “No, I don’t mind. But at this rate we’re going to have to figure out some kind of rotation, if neither one of us wants to tolerate the other not sleeping in a proper bed.”

Sharing’s always an option. So what if it’s narrow, just get good and cozy and-

Aoba refused acknowledgement.

"...I would offer to share but I imagine it wouldn't be comfortable. I'm very large and take up much space, and my gear is..." He shook his head slightly, ignoring the minor flutter of horror at mentioning the possibility in favor of focusing on the practicality and sensibility.

"And I'd say we could sleep in the hammocks, but zero G isn't good for you for long periods of tiem if you're not accustomed to it. I don't think we'd be in it long enough for you to suffer any bone density problems, but you're not yet fully adapted and treated with our medicine so you may be at greater risk. I'm not a doctor...so...I don't really know." He frowned in consternation, hand stilling in it's rhythmic petting, just his thumb moving, rubbing behind Ren's ear.

"I should have bought a larger ship, I'm sorry Aoba."

"It's fine, it's fine. We're only taking the long way across space because it was my request, right? I don't think a sleep rotation is too big a price to pay. Also, the thought of moving a big guy like you all on my own, zero gravity or not, is pretty funny. I'll make sure Ren and Ghost get recordings."

Poking lighthearted fun seemed a working tactic for now, so as he passed behind Declan en route to the cockpit again, he made a point of reaching out to give his hair a tousling. Seeing as this is Aoba we're talking about, it wasn't particularly vigorous so that he didn't tug the Guardian's hair at all, but it was casual and playful just the same. No serious thoughts. Just silliness. Just defuse that unnecessarily apologetic look on Declan's face, that was all.

Squinting a bit at having his hair ruffled, the Titan shifted to gently place Ren on the floor, following Aoba into the Cockpit.

"Well, if you're feeling up to it, we can jump now and shave a day off the trip. We'll stay in orbit while I go on patrol, then Ghost can land the ship and we can camp and start researching. It's up to you how long the travel is. The trip can be dragged out without losing anything."

"You could put the bed on the floor since it's two stacked mattresses," Ghost offered nonchalantly. Declan looked over at the construct, blank and not comprehending at first.

"Side by side. If you put the mattresses on the floor you double the space. Single to double. Or if you insist on sleeping separately, one in the bunk and one in the mess or down in observation. Either way, you two can sleep at the same time. Together or not. There's extra blankets in the overhead."

A pause, the Titan staring as it processed before he glanced to Aoba and shrugged, leaving it up to him. Either way, Declan didn't mind. If he were honest with himself, he'd admit to being pleased by the suggestion. Even if Ghost seemed a little smug for his taste.

And then there was Aoba, suddenly wondering why he was being given the choice at all. He regarding the Guardian curiously, just a touch uncertain. Did offering to jump now mean it was what Declan would have preferred? Maybe they wouldn’t lose anything with the longer trip, but was there something to be gained by shortening it?

Spreading out the mattresses would solve the sleep problem, but so would getting planetside. Aoba rubbed at the side of his neck, unsure of what to pick now that his assumption of how things would go had become a choice of options. But then again, he didn’t want to inconvenience anything….

“Well…I suppose I only asked for the ‘scenic route’ before because I was afraid of the space jumps, but nothing’s been anywhere near as scary as I thought it might be. It would be more efficient to get there quickly, so….”

So they might as well go ahead and jump.

"It's up to you, Aoba. I want you to enjoy yourself, and feel safe. If these things are compromised by haste, then it isn't worth it. The sleeping arrangements were something I thought about in passing but assumed rotation would be fine. I would rather be awake when you are, though. To spend as much time with you as I can before you're gone," Declan reasoned, sliding into the pilot seat and leaning back a bit.

"I'm happy to accommodate you in any way possible."

And with those words, Declan hit upon a perfect combination to silence Aoba in a hurry. Not that last sentence, but the one before.

He sighed quietly, looking down at the Guardian. Though Aoba had moved up front, it was only to be in view of the windows. His hand was up on an overhead support and he hung into it a little. The only solid complaint he could have made was as to how limited the views outside rather were. He wondered if this was comparable to being in a submarine, in a way. Rather than being completely afraid of the vastness of space outside the vessel, it was like his mind interpreted it as just a dark night sky and it was good to be able to see it.

“Scenic route it is, then,” he answered. If Declan wanted as much time with him as possible, then it was only fair, since Aoba wanted much the same of Declan.

Smiling slowly and arching a brow as he looked up, the Titan nodded, content. He would have to try to get Aoba out of the ship at some point, though he was fine with waiting until they went to the Reef. It was a prettier float, at any rate.

"So all we have to do is figure out the sleeping arrangements. I defer to your judgment there as well," Declan stated, leaning forward to scroll through the updated bounty boards again, wondering if there was anything to take Aoba on safely. A few scouting missions...those were usually safe so far as being non-engagement assignments. He was trying to find ways to avoid Aoba having to handle weapons at all. Then man was so against the idea that Declan didn't even want it to be an issue any longer.

What was there to figure out? Aoba blinked, only to realize oh, right. Assumptions weren’t getting him anywhere lately. He’d have to make an effort not to be vague. He didn’t really like being the one to make all the decisions, given that it felt lopsided to do so, but Declan was just as he said: accommodating. Almost unbelievably so.

“Just split the mattresses apart, since that’s an option. Like you said, we’ll lose out on time together if we’re sleeping in shifts.”

"Into different places, or next to each other?" he asked, still looking down at his screen, tone carefully neutral. He knew his preference, but he absolutely didn't want to speak up on behalf of his indecent self-interest. The idea that he might even accidentally curl up against Aoba at night was both highly inappropriate and extremely tantalizing.

He didn't know whether to be disgusting with himself or mystified over the fact that he could even feel such a way. Prior to meeting the man he'd always assumed himself to be utterly psychologically sexless. He'd had many opportunities to find interest in others, had been approached by the occasional daring or drunk person who simply admired his statuesque figure, but he'd never even been tempted. Only Aoba interested him, and it was only partly physical attraction. Declan simply liked him. He wanted to curl up around the man and rest in consuming silence and darkness and never think about anything going on outside of them ever again.

It seemed like utter madness, but he thought it was alright to indulge in some ways. Though not entirely sure when he'd begun thinking of Aoba quite so...feverishly, he let the feels remain muted in the back of his mind and focused where he could. Now was a chance to be at least a little indulgent, but he wouldn't press his luck. It was enough to be near the man.

And then there was Aoba, hesitating at the fact that it even required specification. They'd shared room before, so why-

Oh god, right. It was Aoba himself who'd skipped out on that shared room before. With his other side acting out like he had, Aoba had been the one avoidant in the aftermath. Maybe their apologies of action this morning didn't quite cut it in that regard. Or more likely, Declan was just staying considerate.

"... There's no need to drag a mattress halfway across the ship," he replied, a little tentative despite himself. He could just feel the heavy stare Desire was giving him and almost feared what the other might say instead if he took the opportunity right now.

Maybe his silence was worse. Maybe it meant Aoba was saying things aligned with his thoughts.

"If you put them side by side it'll be like sleeping on futons."

A glance at Ghost got a quick "Bedding common in Japan and other East Asian cultures. Soft mattresses that could be rolled or folded away to conserve space and provide room for the minimalist lifestyle popular for centuries."

Nodding slightly in understanding and relaxing himself enough not to look overly pleased, the Titan smiled agreeably.

"So be it. There's enough space in the bunkroom, and it's better in there anyways with the shower so close. It gets cold in space, sometimes, and the ship heating elements aren't exactly the best, but turning the shower steamer on warms the space up nicely and the humidity combats the dry cycled air. It's pretty comfortable..." he trailed off, thinking perhaps he was over-sharing. Either way, he was feeling pretty pleased. Sleeping later one would be much more restful, if it were anything like the night he got to fall asleep looking at Aoba.

"We're approaching a waypoint," he murmured, pointing out the window at a blinking mass in the distance. Something like a small automated satellite, there to help boost signals in an era long past, proximity lights flashing on it's sides to make itself more visible to travelers. They were taking a common auto-routed path, so seeing the waypoint was expected.

"Be sure to take many photographs, Aoba. That way you'll have things to show your granny."

“I have been taking photographs of things at interest at regular intervals,” came that deep little voice at their feet. Aoba bent to pick Ren up and set him in the empty copilot seat, allowing the Allmate to hop up against the window for a better view.

In the middle of the motion, however, it gave Aoba a sudden thought. “Ah…we’ll have to take some pictures that have me in them, for the memories as much as the credibility. You too, Declan, if you wouldn’t mind it.”

Pale eyes flicked up, watching Aoba and Ren for a moment before shyly casting down to his screen again, thought his expression was pleased. It made him happy to know it mattered to Aoba that there was a recorded memory of him, that he existed. It made him even happier to know wherever the man was, he could think of Declan, and the memory would keep him alive.

"I would be honored to be in pictures with you, Aoba. If you don't think my appearance would be too shocking."

“I won’t show them to just anybody,” Aoba countered, moving back to view the windows from that standing position again. This time, though, he leaned against the back of Declan’s seat, not to watch what the man was doing with all those screens but just to be there. “They’ll mostly be for me, and for the people I trust enough to tell everything.

“Besides,” he added an impulsive moment later, “I think the word is ‘stunning’ rather than ‘shocking’.”

That seemed okay to remind him, since Aoba had already compared him to those ancient statues before. Something to work on reinforcing that low self-esteem.

Another vague smile, a finger tapping on the edge of the screen before he looked up, chest rising and falling visibly with a sigh despite all the concealing armor. Definitely reminded one that the armor wasn't big, the body was.

"And you. You truly are the most beautiful man I've ever seen, and I've seen many. The gentle slopes of your face and softness of your eyes. It makes me think of watercolor paintings....I like watercolor paintings." Honesty. The best policy....right?

Woah woah woah, okay, maybe Aoba should have expected a riposte like that, except he was dumb and he hadn't. That was a full-scale upgrade from compliments to just his hair. Somehow Aoba managed to turn his surprise into a splutter that sounded closer to a laugh than anything else, grinning self-consciously as color surged into his cheeks.

So if you're a watercolor painting and he likes watercolor paintings, that's big guy speak for 'I like you', right?? demanded that background voice, which only embarrassed him several degrees more.

You don't like people the same way you like watercolor paintings, was his own retort, further delaying an outward reply.

"That's-" Faltering. "A-As long as you don't leave off the part about me being a man," was what he somehow wound up with, as if embarrassing memories might somehow be better than an embarrassing present. "I've had people compare me to a woman way too many times in the past already."

"I don't think you look like a woman," Declan replied, confusion clear. He paused a moment, head tilting as he turned to give Aoba an appraising look before shaking his head. Definitely not a woman.

"You're slighter in frame than say, a Titan typically is, but you have a masculine presenting body and you carry yourself with a similar manner. If you identified as female, I would think you'd emphasize attributes to identify as much, even if stereotypically. I hope you didn't take my comparing you to a type of painting as assuming your identity. You simply have softer features that make me think of the delicacy taken in making a watercolor painting. There were many watercolor paintings of men," he added the last, a bit perplexed before pondering a moment, trying to think about time frames and general eras of thought.

"...Is finding another man attractive not...acceptable in your time?" Declan hedged, instantly anxious, expression somewhat stricken.

"I am sorry, Aoba, if anything I've said makes you uncomfortable. I just thought being truthful was best. I can keep my comments to myself. I didn't think about different things might be between here and there."

At first it was a case of see, watercolors are different from people as Declan went off on one of his rambling, but thoughtful tangents. That hindmost voice grumbled skeptically, but Aoba started to use it to reinforce the idea that just because Declan was honest and open, whatever Aoba’s own awkward reactions towards him were, it didn’t mean that the Guardian himself-

Scratch that. Declan just used the word ‘attractive’, and there were certain connotations there that raced right past mere aesthetics. The part of Aoba’s mind that was all his own did a complete record scratch, floundering at the sudden look of horror on his friend’s face.

“What? No, I- I mean back in my time is one thing, but you- coming from you, that is, I, ah….”

Forming a reassuring answer he was not, the color deepening in his cheeks as he lost the ability to answer a simple question all on the possibilities of context.

“The culture of Aoba’s hometown is not particularly receptive to homosexuality,” put forward a deep little voice, whipping Aoba’s head around. Ren watched them both quite levelly, his tongue sticking out in his general expression as if nothing were amiss. “It still faces numerous stigmas and heteronormativity remains the expected default.”

Aoba didn’t even have time to wonder what Ren was doing. It was an honest answer, yes, along the same lines of factual that Declan could have gotten from Ghost, but—the Allmate wasn’t done, it seemed. There was a little shift in the dog’s dark eyes, hard to see if one wasn’t used to Ren’s subtle expressions, but Aoba felt that regard land on him before-

“Aoba’s own explorations of his sexuality have been limited as a result.”

Declan turned his attention to Ren respectfully, listening with a small nod and still terribly concerned look, his apologies still written on his face. He didn't even flinch at the terms used, unhindered by judgments regarding those sorts of things. Whatever hangups he had from his past life weren't exactly at war with his identity; that much at least he either accepted fully or was somehow oblivious to prior to it mattering to someone in his company.

"...I'm sorry. I was ignorant," the Titan frowned, shaking his head slowly before turning away to look at the window, wondering how he should interpret it in the long term.

He hadn't thought for a minute that his observations might be offensive, well-meaning as they were. What if Aoba thought being complimented by a man was disgusting somehow? Nevermind that he hadn't even thought about Aoba's sexuality in regards to his fascination with the man. Since he hadn't ever dared imagine himself actually making moves on the other man, Declan had believed being honest and complimentary would be fully acceptable. In his time, even if a sexuality weren't shared, it wasn't offensive. Compliments and flattery were genuinely neutral. Even the Titan knew a beautiful woman when he saw one, whether he had interest or not, and would compliment where he had the courage to do so.

But now he'd met someone who was truly beautiful to him and sexually attractive. He'd let himself get carried away and shouldn't have. As usual, he should have just kept his opinions to himself and let the other person think he was distant and unfeeling. He'd crossed lines without even considering they may exist.

"Stupid..." he whispered to himself, expression pained as he focused his gaze on the ship diagnostic returns, one leg bouncing slightly in his contained anxiety.

"I will endeavor to avoid causing you discomfort in the future," Declan eventually intoned, stilling visibly as a door somewhere behind silver-white eyes slid closed.

Edited 2018-11-04 14:46 (UTC)

Meanwhile Aoba was reeling enough at the fact that his Allmate had, in a word, outed him. As his confidant, Ren had never pulled anything of that caliber before. Maybe it directly addressed what had been skirted around before, but would it really help?

Apparently not, said Declan's reaction. Aoba couldn't see his expression completely, standing where he was, but he saw the agitation in his body language suddenly go still.

Aoba felt cold, a leaden lump dropping into his stomach. So that had to mean... Declan really only had meant things aesthetically. Whatever it was Desire was raging right now-

-oh no, no way, no way do you get to tell me all that thing about 'compromise' and permission didn't mean-

-was either mistaken or irrelevant. So, okay, that cleared up a lot. Aoba was... not as relieved as he once might have thought he'd be. He didn't think anything had been ingenuine, but now he knew it plainly. Declan was his friend and that was where it would remain.

"... You've never made me uncomfortable, Declan," he somehow managed to counter, sounding sadder than he realized, and not seeing the stare that Ren shifted to Ghost with ears skewed. "I know I act awkward and strange, but... I've been more comfortable with you than most places I've ever been."

"You're certain?" he asked, tapping a finger lightly on the edge of the screen before looking up, fretting internally. The cork had been pulled from the bottle some time ago, and Declan found he didn't really want to be quiet anymore, where he'd thought he had express permission to voice his thoughts and opinions. He'd never really felt inclined to talk to anyone else so much, and imagining having to deny basic truths around Aoba was uncomfortable, to say the least.

"I know...a lot of my personal interests were only shared by the other...unrestrained? Part of you. And I know I have misinterpreted many things," the Titan admitted, Ghost squinting at him a moment before looking to Ren and twisting in his little shrug. He wasn't permitted half as much insight into Declan's mind as Ren was into Aoba's, so most it was just long-term companionship that allowed him to predict needs and articulations. Sometimes it was best just to let the man dig his own hole.

"But if you're certain my attraction to you is in no way offensive, that is a relief. I fear it would be extremely difficult to...somehow not be attracted. Then again I've never been interested in anyone, so making myself not be was never something I needed to practice. I promise, I would never, ever, insult you by making unwanted advances. I promise, I am content simply to be allowed to be here like this. I am no crude animal. Your friendship is more important than anything. My care for you is not contingent on any return."

There, that sounded pretty well-explained and rounded to him! It was alright to say he was interested, right? He wasn't saying anything absolutely mad like confessing feelings...that clearly wasn't permissible, so dancing around the issue was best. Just promise not to be a disgusting lech or anything, and as long as his being interested in men, specifically of the Aoba variety, wasn't offensive, then they could just go about their business. Better to air it out now and understand exactly the parameters Aoba wanted in their relationship. Declan felt like he full understood; his interest in his own gender was not acceptable, Aoba didn't like it, so he would be respectful and not pursue a relationship because it was at least socially offensive, but Aoba didn't think ill of Declan for it. That seemed like a fair compromise. Up until then he hadn't made Aoba uncomfortable, so his closeness and casual touching was fine. He just...had to stop there. No big deal, right?

It’s an incredible thing, to think you’ve made a perfect interpretation of words one moment, only to in the next have it all rendered completely wrong. Aoba went from thinking Declan had made his complements platonically and now had to fret over Aoba interpreting them romantically, to be outright told that—that the Guardian was actually, physically interested in him, as much as that background voice of his seemed to be interested in Declan in turn.

Damn right I am! You are! Look, it’s in the open now, all you have to do is say-

Desire was weirdly easy not to listen to right now. Aoba heard him, but it was just that: background noise. Thoughts that were relevant in awkward ways, but muted by the conflicting distress knotting up Aoba’s chest and stomach. Declan was attracted to him, and he’d somehow made the exact opposite interpretation of Ren’s words: not that Aoba’s own attraction to men had been limited by his surroundings, but that he had none as a result.

A minute ago, Aoba’s awkward feelings had bounced off a would-be-willing participant. Now they were closed off completely.

No, no, no! You open your mouth and you clear up the mistake!

…No, he couldn’t. He didn’t just want something physical. Desire could harp all he wanted; it was exactly what he’d been afraid of. That Declan would think all he cared about was the physical, because it had been Desire to open his big fat mouth first. Friends with benefits? Aoba didn’t want anything like that. Not from a person he’d come to care for so much.

It wasn’t fair that the words he’d just heard, so earnest and considerate, would make those feelings of care so much more painfully stronger.

“…I’m certain I’d still rather be around you than apart from you,” he answered quietly, putting a hand down on Declan’s shoulder. If their friendship was more important than anything, then that had to mean the casual skinship Aoba had opened up with him as well, didn’t it? “As long as ‘home’ stays open to me, that’ll always be the case.”

You are such an idiot.

Well. For once they agreed.

"Aoba, just because you don't return my feelings isn't reason enough to shut you out. I would never do anything like that. I fully understand that you don't feel the same way, and you're not obligated to. I'm simply happy you're here and willing to tolerate me. Home will never close to you," the Titan smiled up at the man, the pain he felt kept under the warm expression, hidden.

It was probably for the best; falling in love with someone he may very well never see again, no matter how optimistic he stood, wasn't in anyone's best interest. He was happy, at least, to know he wasn't really broken. He'd just never found 'the right one'. Now that he had and the man was inaccessible, it was...okay. At least he knew he could feel at all? Besides, he had a beautiful, good, honest friend. It was a win, even if a loss was taken to gain it.

"I still want to show you the galaxy," he added after a moment, smiling in spite of the ache. It had never really been about courting the man, after all. He genuinely liked Aoba, romantic or not, and wanted to give him everything before he left. He did wonder if he should ask if it was rude to dream about him occasionally, then thought better of it. He didn't know how he could stop it, so he would leave his dreams alone. There, at least, Aoba returned his affections. It would suffice.

He doesn’t understand anything! Reason, Aoba, for fuck’s sake-

His smile was so warm. Funny, how Aoba’s feelings towards other men had always been so—conflicting. Embarrassing. Yeah, there’d been some kisses, but Aoba had always been red-faced and uncomfortably embarrassed, questioning himself for whatever he enjoyed. Now here was a beautiful soul that Aoba might have found—less embarrassing, if not for Desire, and if he’d made plain his interests before this. And it just all got written out because he cared too much to just indulge momentary curiosity or fascination.

Not Declan’s. No, Aoba couldn’t even now think that the Guardian was anything less than a paragon of kindness and consideration. His own, he meant. As honest as Declan had been, Aoba couldn’t lie and give in to friendly benefits when for the first time in his life that he could recall, he found himself craving something deeper than that.

“And I still want you to show it to me,” he answered, one careful truth that he could still say. Aoba moved his hand and brushed Declan’s bangs aside one more time, meeting eyes more honest than his own had the courage to be. “That’s my promise.”

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