orendalogs | IT'S YOUR DESTINY!!!

Declan, had not. The Titan was a silent-sobber, so Aoba was at no point immediately alerted to the slow collapse of Declan's world. The whole thing was just too sad.

"He worked so hard!" Declan croaked, and the second he was looked at, it was easy to tell that at some point in the end he had fallen completely to pieces. Pale eyes were puffy and ringed with color from the strain of tears, and pale cheeks were sticky and wet. Full lips curved in a pronounced expression of sorrow, pouting hard at the unfairness of it all.

"He...he loved her so much...he worked so hard to win her heart and then that happened? How is that right? What's wrong with the world when no matter how hard you fight you still lose in something that ought to be so....so clear...And she loved him too!" Declan protested, fingers gripping his empty plate so hard it would have broken if it weren't metal.

"She loved him back! It's supposed to be a happy ending. Why'd she end up like that? What's wrong with her?" Of course, Declan didn't know anything about dementia, Alzheimer's, or any degenerative disease since it was all eradicated long before he resurrected. All he knew was he did not like the movie. Not one bit.

...They should probably stick to family films...

…woah. Color Desire many, many shades of surprised. Not so much that Declan was moved, given how sensitive the Guardian had proved to be, but that he was moved so emotively. Desire turned sidesaddle in his chair, setting his plate aside on a ledge as he considered the…absurdity of what he was seeing.

It’s not absurd to be sad, Reason chided him, but softer than Desire did when he was the one leveling criticisms.

Desire was quiet, listening to Reason’s undercurrent for a few moments. There was an inclination to switch again, to let him address this, but neither one of them acted on it.

“It was in her brain, big guy,” he finally answered, reaching across the space between their seats to touch the nearer of those white-knuckled hands. (Whiter?) “She was old. Her brain was falling apart from the inside.”

He was grateful for the touch, a rush of breath leaving his lungs before he sniffled, chest trembling with a shuddering intake of air.

"That's what happens when you get old?" he wheezed, almost falling apart again. Ghost was there for a save, though, rescuing Desire as well.

"Not anymore, Declan. Deterioration of that nature has long since been dealt with. The movie is very old, keep that in mind. The times were different." He cast a meaningful, apologetic look Desire's way. He should have known better than to give Declan such a dramatic emotional topic for a film.

"But in Aoba's time..." he trailed off and moved his hand to grip Desire's, the very thought too horrible. He would simply have to make sure Aoba received all relevant healthcare treatments and inoculations before he left! Yes. Good plan. Maybe.

"...I don't want anything like that to happen to you," he eventually hiccuped, broad body suddenly so small in his sorrow. "Is that selfish?"

Desire’s response was to chuff, his vaguely-lost expression shifting to something more pleased than maybe it had the right to be, but then again, maybe not. He folded his free hand over Declan’s, sandwiching it with gentle pats.

“Nah. I wouldn’t want my brain going all to mush, either. You go ahead and be as selfish as you want there. I like hearing that kind of thing.” With a few more pats, he added, “But if it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure I don’t have to worry about something like that happening in my head. I’m a little split up, sure, but other than that, brains are my specialty.”

"Mm...I don't know..." Declan murmured, looking over at Ghost fretfully before inhaling deeply and letting out a slow sigh.

"I know you had a general physical and checks, but...you should get all the preventative things before you leave. All the vaccinations and tests. They cured everything. They cured old age," the Titan snorted softly. Not entirely true, since one could still die of old age - it simply took three times as long.

"You have to live and come back...You said you would..."

“Look at you, you big softie,” Desire teased, now lifting that hand of his to Declan’s face and pap-papping one of those tearstained cheeks. “Did the mean ol’ movie get you all sad about losing me? Maybe I’ll want to watch this sort of thing with you more often.”

But despite the words, there was no malice. The words weren’t the kindest, perhaps, but he meant no mockery by them. Declan’s reaction to the idea of loss, to the loss of Aoba, made him feel warm and valued. Loved, even. It was probably loved, even if no one but Desire was admitting it. With the pads of his fingers, he wiped at the sticky trails of Declan’s tears. It was a gentle touch.

“I’m not breaking my promise. I’ll come home again. Just gotta settle some things back on the island, you know? After that, I know exactly what I want.”

Pale eyes glanced off to the side, brows furrowing. He felt embarrassed for a moment, but the touched soothed the weak sting of the words and he looked back, still frowning. He didn't know if he was all that reassured or not, since the man wasn't really agreeing to the healthcare, but he reminded himself he had to accept Aoba's autonomy, sensible of otherwise.

"As long as you come back...I just...I don't know. It terrifies me, a bit, to think that's the kind of world you go back to. Mine is war-torn and dangerous, but I still feel like it's safer." Because he was in it, and he could shield Aoba with his body, give up his life to protect the man, again and again. There was nothing he couldn't or wouldn't do in his own world for Aoba. But Aoba didn't have a Declan back home. It wasn't safe.

“Hm. Probably is.” Desire regarded the Titan for a moment. Just one. He didn’t even have to dig, not with Declan all worked up and emoting things plain as day. It was right there on the surface.

Come on, Reason. You’re seeing this too, I know you are.

On the outside, it was just the barest pause between one set of words and the next. Desire picked them specifically because of what he read, because he wanted to see what would come of them.

“I don’t have a big guy like you looking out for me back there.”

Part of him was pleased by the notion - the very small, genuinely selfish part that still meant well - that Aoba was unattached back home. He still remembered that the man also came from a world where sexuality mattered and that he was evidently not interested in male suitors, but at least in this world it was Declan that got to fill important relationship roles. Granted everything was required to remain platonic, but the Titan didn't mind only being allowed that much.

Love was a strange thing, he mused, looking at Aoba's face quietly with an almost sad smile.

"I guess you don't really need one, then, hm? You do just fine back there. I consider myself privileged to be allowed to, here." Genuine truth, that. Even if his affections weren't wanted, at least he was allowed to express them in whatever gentle ways.

"Mm...I don't want to watch that movie again, though," he remarked after a moment of thought on the matter. "It's very sad."

“And I don’t really like you making a sad face,” Desire had to admit, drawing back his hand at last. It made a brief detour by his mouth, easily mistaken, a soft dab of tongue against a finger to taste the salt before it was back on his lap in a resting gesture. “I like the part where it means you care that much, but not the part where you’re worrying about things that aren’t gonna happen.”

Desire hadn’t taken back the hand that Declan was still holding onto, though. That one, he just gaze a squeeze. “You want me to see the doc again before I go? No skin off my back. I don’t catch a cold ever again, and you don’t have to imagine my brain going mushy if I get old. Which probably won’t happen either, you know. Chosen One, remember?”

Still looking a bit doubtful, Declan decided to let it go. He had to trust Aoba, even if it all seemed a bit too dangerous for his taste. The mere possibility was terrifying. Moreso than physical monsters her could beat or bullets he could take.

"Would you?" he asked, somewhat mollified. "It would be an enormous relief," the Titan admitted with a soft sigh, squeezing back before reluctantly letting go.

"You want to watch something less...grim? I don't want to sleep on that," he murmured, a bit embarrassed. The last thing he wanted to dream about was being forgotten so sadly.

What a guy. Wanting him to go to the doctor to be healthy. There was a particular irony in that for Desire. After all, doctors made him think of Granny, medicating him into silence. The doctors of Declan’s era had been more beneficial for him by far.

“Sure, go for it,” he said by way of agreement, swinging back into his seat properly—well, facing the right way anyway. It stopped being rightly proper the moment he kicked his feet up on the machinery again, crossing his arms comfortably. “Sounds like you need something more family-friendly. Maybe even animated. Got anything like that in your archives, sparky?”

The last was directed towards Ghost. Nicknames for all.

"I do," Ghost huffed softly, squinting at being called Sparky. Though he wasn't about to admit he didn't mind the name all that much.

"Should we watch the usual?" he asked, bobbing over and looking at Declan. the Titan looked like he might protest. He worried that his preferences were too stupid or childish for Desire, but he gave a tentative nod. A few minutes later they were watching the Hunchback of Notre Dame as rendered by Disney, Declan wide-eyed and zoned in like it was the most serious thing in the world.

Well, it absolutely fit the bill for what Desire had imagined movie-wise, but he hadn’t expected the Guardian to be so truly into it.

Maybe the weirder part was that Desire got kind of into it, himself. Well, Declan probably wouldn’t want to know that this time around it was the villain that was the most fascinating to Desire’s inherent nature, but Quasimodo got plenty of points for breaking away from Frollo to do what he wanted, too. It wasn’t about the morals or doing good or bad things where Desire was concerned. It was going after what they wanted.

To that end, though, nobody particularly won. The villain died, and the girl went off with the supporting pretty-boy. Realistic, but kind of annoying. Brought some questions to Desire’s mind, but this time he looked over to make sure of Declan’s mood, first.

Declan was in a much better mood, head bobbing a little with the music to the credits, no tears. Humming to himself, he caught Desire looking at him and stilled, blinking owlishly.

"What's the matter? Did you not like it? I can still stay up if you want to watch something else."

“Nah, I think my ass is chafing from sitting here so long,” Desire answered, casual and crude but not actually sounding bothered by the fact that they’d just watched two feature-length movies in a row. He did lever himself up to stand and stretch, but it was unhurried. Relaxed, not trying to escape before a third movie might appear.

“But you do need to spill the beans, now, big guy. Sparky called this ‘the usual’. I’m curious what it is about this movie that makes it a favorite for you.”

Tilting his head slightly, Declan inhaled deeply and puffed his lips in thought, turning away to gaze at the ceiling for a moment.

"A lot of things. I like the deeper meaning in a lot of it. I like that there's a lot of fiction while there's still a measure of reality. I like that the good guys win, of course. The music is great. The religious aspects are really fascinating for me. I don't really understand, or share any of the views, but I like that even though God doesn't talk back, they have that faith. Like I have in the Traveler," he points out, humming a few bars of God Help the Outcasts.

"The Gargoyles remind me of Ghosts. Companions unique to Guardians, that soetimes only the Guardians can see or hear. I really like Quasimodo. He's a very...real character. Very honest. He's sad and alone, but he still believes he has something to live for, even if he never entirely grasps it himself. It's something bigger than his romance, and he...he isn't crippled by unrequited love. He's made better for it..."

A more thoughtful, less entertaining answer than possibly expected—up until the last bit, that was.

Oi. Reason. I think we just got called ‘Esmeralda’.

No response. Desire could tell perfectly well that Reason wasn’t nearly as asleep as he was trying to be. Another nail in the ‘the only one acting stupid here is you’ coffin, as far as Desire was concerned. But if this was the bed that Reason was making for himself—a very cold and lonely bed—then Desire was leaving him to squirm in it. For a while longer, anyway.

“Hm~m. I’ll withhold comments for tonight,” he drawled, just slightly sing-songing the words. Reason he was freely calling stupid left and right, but Declan’s ignorance was a few degrees more…forgivable. He wouldn’t have to interpret everything wrong if ‘Aoba’ would just stop running hot and cold on him, right? “I don’t want to ruin the mood. I liked this, big guy. I can barely remember the last time I got to be out and about and just do normal shit. Thanks, Declan.”

Desire had basic manners and the ability to use proper names? Whoda thunk it.

"You're welcome...but I don't think it's anything I need to be thanked for. You're my friend. I'm grateful that you were willing to spend time with me," Declan smiled warmly, leaning to the side and propping his cheek in one hand, elbow against the armrest of the chair. He was feeling much better now.

"You don't ever have to worry about anything with me. If I'm not on duty, I'm happy to spend time with you. Even when I'm on patrol I like keeping in touch. But...thank you for taking time for this and being patient with me. I know...I can be...embarrassing."

“I like that side of you,” Desire admitted freely, an answer that had just as many innocent connotations as it did more troublesome ones. “By which I mean I like all sides of you. It’s a fair exchange. We have a good thing going on here. A few wrinkles we’re still ironing out, sure, but….”

…okay. Just one thing. Behaving was hard, and Declan was an innocent victim of Reason’s foolishness. Not that that meant what Desire was thinking was at all smart, but he didn’t think of it as stirring the pot. Throwing the poor Guardian a bone, more like. Esmeralda had done it, so why not Aoba?

He bent over, taking advantage of the relaxed way Declan held himself, and kissed his cheek just shy of the corner of his mouth, skirting ‘platonic’ by a razor’s edge and a conspiratorially whispered-yet-vague, “Be patient for us both, big guy, alright?”

And then he was up and off again, taking their dirty plates with him to the kitchen area.

Aoba could see the color blooming on Declan's face instantly, the guardian staring up absolutely bewildered. He didn't know what he was supposed to be patient for, particularly since he thought he was already, but he kept the questions clamped down and just reached up to touch his own cheek with a vague smile.

Yeah...he wasn't crippled by his unrequited love, and it would all be okay. He could content himself with what he was being given. he was a bigger man than to be put off by a lack of fully returned investment. After all, that wasn't what it was about. Love wasn't supposed to cost anything, after all. He gave of himself freely. It was enough to have somewhere to direct those affections.

When the other man left the Titan cleared his throat and rose from his seat, considering his options briefly before heading towards the sleeping quarters.

"I'm going to head to bed first, read a little. I'll be there if you want to talk. Otherwise feel free to help yourself to anything or come sleep. Mm, and thanks again for watching with me. I hope it wasn't too boring," he chuckled, chewing his bottom lip a moment, then turning for the room.

Maybe it hadn’t been all thrills and chills and violence, but it hadn’t been all boring, Desire thought, glancing back as Declan retreated. Though he never would have considered himself one for the menial things, he set himself to cleaning the dirty dishware with his thoughts turned back inwards.

So his favorite movie is about a misunderstood ‘monster’ of a man and he went to tears half over the sad ending of a movie, and half because he’s afraid of a sad end like that happening to us. You do realize how hard you’re grasping at straws by now, right?

Silence.

Desire shrugged at himself, an actual physical motion as he scrubbed at the plates. Alright then, play it this way as long as you can. But you can trust me on this one: this cold war romance isn’t really what you want.

Very sullen silence.

By the time the dishes were done, Desire was still in charge—not that he felt particularly up for anything. So, feeling satisfied in his own way for the way the night had gone, he returned to the bunkroom intent on nothing more than his half of the split-mattress bed. He had an acknowledging smile to spare for Declan, but then he was wriggling under his covers. As Reason did before him, he stretched out on his side facing the Guardian’s side, but he for one had to make no justifications for it.

“G’night, big guy.”

He turned his head a bit, looking at the other man for a long moment before smiling, knowing full well it was Desire he spoke to, but moderately more comfortable in his understanding of them being the same person.

"Goodnight, Aoba." He reached over with one hand, pulling the covers up just a little more and tucking them down to close a gap in the fabric, them turned away again and closed his eyes, big chest rising and falling deeply in his generalized contentment. It wasn't a perfect life, but it was as close as he could get.

The next morning Declan got up early and heated some breakfast sandwich things up, eating his own in a few bites. He was taking a short patrol shift - only a few hours - then they were going to see the Endless Steps and make a small detour to an abandoned research facility and see if there was anything else on Venus that could help before they went to the Reef.

Three and a half hours passed and Declan showed back up, fully geared, and honked the little horn on his Sparrow. They were off across the jungles and ruins of Venus, Declan slowing or stopping occasionally to point things out or get off the Sparrow and explore a little area. Massive abandoned buildings, their neon signs still somehow flickering advertisements in numerous languages, computer screens still scrolling. The technology was sound and the buildings strong. One day it would all be easy to come back to, start over without having lost too much ground.

The Endless Steps were entirely different, a majestic landscape of wilderness and white stone. Not human in design, Declan explained, pointing out the wandering Vex here and there. They needed to be cautious, but there were Guardians around keeping the place safe, so he felt confident taking Aoba up to see the more beautiful places with the dead Vex portals and the overgrown flora. They couldn't picnic because taking their helmets off was much too risky, but he brought food to eat at the research station, so close enough.

When Aoba got his fill of the Steps, they went to the station and posted out on a cliff while a small group of Guardians swept the place, collected some information they needed, then hurried off again. Soon Declan, Ghost, Aoba and Ren were settled into the station for a brief repast, with Ghost scanning through documents and Declan gazing out a window at the jungle sea visible between the trees and chewing a biscuit.

"You know...I love all of these places, but the Moon is still my favorite. Even without any flora or fauna, it's just the place I feel the best. I wonder if that's strange, preferring a vast nothingness."

When Aoba awoke in the morning, his eyes were hazel once again. Desire was still right there behind him, of course, but the night before had been remarkably…normal. Desire had still acted out in a few ways, sure, but on the whole everything had been fine. Dinner, a movie, a little more insight into Declan’s character. It marked the first time Aoba could really start to think that he and his other aspect might actually be able to get along on a normal day-to-day. That being ‘Desire’ didn’t have to mean releasing only a more indecent, inappropriate side of himself.

Hazel eyes still greeted Declan when he returned, but they shifted back to gold before Aoba got on the Sparrow behind him. Nothing untoward about it, thankfully, and Desire only stayed up front long enough to enjoy the adrenaline rush of zooming along on the speedy machine. When exploration and research became the focus again, Reason reappeared.

Even Ren had stopped glaring so hard. Attentive ears may have caught Desire calling him ‘pup’ instead of ‘mutt’, this time.

Settled in the research station, finishing off a biscuit of his own, Aoba offered a little shrug to the Guardian’s remark. “I guess that depends on why you prefer it. Do you know, or is it just the feeling you get when you’re there?”

"Just a feeling. It's one of the most dangerous places in the system, but I'm most at peace there. I love the Reef, and I'm always very happy there. Nothing seems better. But there are times when I go out of my way to get assigned to the Moon, and just stay there for weeks," the Titan answered, sucking crumbs off of his thumb.

"I like going out into the middle of an empty mesa and making camp far away from everything. I don't even bring my ship. Just my gear and something to lay on, and I stay there in the silence staring up into the darkness of space. There's nothing on the moon, no atmosphere, so it's clear all the way up and out. When you lay on a tall place, it's like you're just out there in space, closing in around you and opening up at the same time. The 'nothing' of it all is comforting...but I don't know why. Any other time being alone makes me feel a bit miserable, really."

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