spaceswan: (29)
spaceswan ([personal profile] spaceswan) wrote in [community profile] orendalogs 2018-11-18 02:02 am (UTC)

"Well, at the risk of being way too spilly with details of an otherwise technically private discussion, I can tell you he definitely doesn't think that's all you are. Declan fully understands you're all one person, but like you keep saying you need to know who you are before you make any decisions, he feels kind of the same, for lack of better description. He told me a bit about the whole thing..." Humming to himself a moment in thought and tapping a finger on the table, Mac eventually shrugged off whatever loose lock he had.

"Declan thinks - or thought - you might have personal feelings for him. Like romantic ones. But that the other more, uh, scandalous bit of yourself maybe takes a little 25% and turns it into a 175% full tilt, throwing your emotional weight and hungers around too top heavy. He was extremely afraid it was like being drunk. I've been totally shitfaced around him before and he only has that for comparison, but the way he said it was he thought everything was honest, but weighed too heavy, and that he worried you'd bottle up and back off if you thought you'd done anything 'untoward', I think was the word he used. Which kinda seems like that's probably what you did anyways..."

"You...do realize that for all I talk shit on him and he talks shit on himself, Declan is actually a pretty perceptive and smart guy, right? He knows you're all one person with a lot of shit to sort out, and likes you anyways. If you worried about the vulgar approach you maybe took - or definitely took, I dunno - I wouldn't too much, if I were you. He came to me asking how to figure it all out. I didn't really have any advice for him on how to make it all work, especially with those weird fuckin' hang-ups he has. He doesn't have so many words, but I know he's got this weird thing about intimacy like...I dunno..." Mac paused, gesturing with his hands one over the other in a stacking motion.

"Hierarchies? It's absurdly outdated, if you ask me. He thinks he'd be demeaning you somehow. I have no idea where he got the whole idea, since I sure as hell didn't give him any literature of that nature, but he thinks whatever role you take when you're doin' the deed actually matters, like socially. As if it were anyone's business anyways." He snorted, stuffing a few pieces of meat into his mouth and chewing idly.

"So he was trying to read up on the whole thing to see how it all works so he could make sure anything he worried about he could do first, so if things, you know, swapped out, then he wouldn't feel guilty. I think he knows it's stupid, but...fear is fear, man. Sometimes they're really ridiculous but there's nothing you can do about it. Like I have full-blown freak outs if something genuinely sticky gets in my hands or between my toes. So...I pretty much hate honey and sugary things," he shrugged, volunteering an unnecessary amount of information on pretty much everything. If Declan said too little, Mac definitely said too much. But...he did at least offer a lot more insight than his friend was capable of articulating.

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